Orginally Entitled "Warmth"

I wrote this on February 9-2004, almost two years ago, but still true for me today. :)

This is not at all a "happy little thought", but I was thinking last night.

That at the end of our life, we are going to die. That is what we are working towards and fowards, to death. So when I sometimes say, "I'll be happy when _______ happens." I should not do that, I should be happy in the NOW because, what else is the purpose of life. You know? What a dreary thought, yet I think that it holds good things, because it lets me know why I should try to find humor and happiness in each and every day without all the whining. :) That if I do not get trivial things done then you know what, who cares.

Is.......Does not....

Love is patient.
Love is kind.
Love is understanding.
Love does not hit.
Love does not hurt.
Love does not yell.

This is the hardest lesson for me to learn in life. These are the hardest lessons for society to learn.

Stingrays

Today we went to Opry Mills, a giant Outlet mall with friends, we let the kids go to Stingray Reef and touch the stingrays and look at all the fish. The stingrays are really soft, Zaid mostly wants to look at the prizes these days. He loved having my friend's husband talk to him about the exhibit, he laughed and laughed. I wonder what made him laugh so much. We did a little shopping, it was a pain to try to find a place to sit for lunch, I found a table and ran to it. I was so proud of my discovery. :) An empty table...as I age, this is like gold. Zaid loved getting a cookie, pizza and lemon ice-cream as treats. He was able to ride on the carosel at the mall, he said that Jonathan and Daddy were his best friends and he waved at them every time, the horse turned their way. We did some sitting and some trying to poop on the potty, that is no fun for the little guy.....I am starting to wonder if we do need to try somethingelse, besides TONS of fiberous foods?
My favorite time was watching the kids run, where the play area used to be, now there is a huge open spot, I ran with them and swung Zaid around and played ring around the ABCs untilI was dizzy. Even though I had a headache during this time, it was my favorite time,the times when I do nothing and EVERYTHING. Which may only make sense to me?
We ate at the Aquarium Restaurant, the experience tonight was not that good, the pager was notworking properly, we did not hear our names called, our food was cold, I think I will stop nowand focus on the good, we did get to eat and look at the sharks, fish, moray eels, which areactually blue, but they secret a yellow mucous which makes them look green. Zaid and I looked for the Saw Fish, his favorite, he said that he thinks they put it to bed and that it was our bedtime too. He was right, it was our bedtime. We looked at Christmas lights outsidethe Opryland Hotel, then it was home again, home again, jiggety jig.
I love the way Zaid says, "I promise." And he says we always keep our promises Mommy. I hope I can always keep my promises to him.
I love the way you tell my friend, "Do your little evil grin." and he scrunches his face upin the cutest little grin you have ever seen and how animated his face is, when he says shakes hishead "No" and acts like something bad is going to bite him. :)
These toddlers and preschoolers, they are so adorable. I love they way they think. Simple.Yet Complex.

Light and Dark

There is always a time for light and a time for dark. Embracing both and living in the moment with both are my goals. To hunger for the light during a dark time, to crave the dark when it is so light you feel like you are going to go blind. I feel like that is how I spend a lot of my time. You can sometimes find the shadows when it is light, in the darkness it is hard at times to find a bit of light.

NPR

Addicting, yes that is word that describes what NPR means to me. I feel this insane desire to finish listening to the end of the story, yesterday I listened to this guy talk about suicide, now sometimes the stories are incredibly boring, and when you finish, you are like, "Why did I just listen to that?" but yesterday, I was intrigued, his good friend had jumped off of the Golden Gate Bridge, I began to wonder about how I would feel if someone that close was suddenly gone at their own will? To actually make that choice. When. How would I feel? Why? I saw someone standing on a bridge near where I take Zaid to preschool at, when I saw him, I thought he needs help, this is a cry for help, for someone to listen to him.
On the program yesterday, there was a survivor of a Golden Gate Bridge jumpoff and he said that the thought that crossed his mind when he jumped, was, "No, I do not want to die." Then he talked about how thankful he was to be alive. He said he no longer ponders suicide. I wonder what people think about on the fall down?