Stingrays

Today we went to Opry Mills, a giant Outlet mall with friends, we let the kids go to Stingray Reef and touch the stingrays and look at all the fish. The stingrays are really soft, Zaid mostly wants to look at the prizes these days. He loved having my friend's husband talk to him about the exhibit, he laughed and laughed. I wonder what made him laugh so much. We did a little shopping, it was a pain to try to find a place to sit for lunch, I found a table and ran to it. I was so proud of my discovery. :) An empty table...as I age, this is like gold. Zaid loved getting a cookie, pizza and lemon ice-cream as treats. He was able to ride on the carosel at the mall, he said that Jonathan and Daddy were his best friends and he waved at them every time, the horse turned their way. We did some sitting and some trying to poop on the potty, that is no fun for the little guy.....I am starting to wonder if we do need to try somethingelse, besides TONS of fiberous foods?
My favorite time was watching the kids run, where the play area used to be, now there is a huge open spot, I ran with them and swung Zaid around and played ring around the ABCs untilI was dizzy. Even though I had a headache during this time, it was my favorite time,the times when I do nothing and EVERYTHING. Which may only make sense to me?
We ate at the Aquarium Restaurant, the experience tonight was not that good, the pager was notworking properly, we did not hear our names called, our food was cold, I think I will stop nowand focus on the good, we did get to eat and look at the sharks, fish, moray eels, which areactually blue, but they secret a yellow mucous which makes them look green. Zaid and I looked for the Saw Fish, his favorite, he said that he thinks they put it to bed and that it was our bedtime too. He was right, it was our bedtime. We looked at Christmas lights outsidethe Opryland Hotel, then it was home again, home again, jiggety jig.
I love the way Zaid says, "I promise." And he says we always keep our promises Mommy. I hope I can always keep my promises to him.
I love the way you tell my friend, "Do your little evil grin." and he scrunches his face upin the cutest little grin you have ever seen and how animated his face is, when he says shakes hishead "No" and acts like something bad is going to bite him. :)
These toddlers and preschoolers, they are so adorable. I love they way they think. Simple.Yet Complex.

Light and Dark

There is always a time for light and a time for dark. Embracing both and living in the moment with both are my goals. To hunger for the light during a dark time, to crave the dark when it is so light you feel like you are going to go blind. I feel like that is how I spend a lot of my time. You can sometimes find the shadows when it is light, in the darkness it is hard at times to find a bit of light.

NPR

Addicting, yes that is word that describes what NPR means to me. I feel this insane desire to finish listening to the end of the story, yesterday I listened to this guy talk about suicide, now sometimes the stories are incredibly boring, and when you finish, you are like, "Why did I just listen to that?" but yesterday, I was intrigued, his good friend had jumped off of the Golden Gate Bridge, I began to wonder about how I would feel if someone that close was suddenly gone at their own will? To actually make that choice. When. How would I feel? Why? I saw someone standing on a bridge near where I take Zaid to preschool at, when I saw him, I thought he needs help, this is a cry for help, for someone to listen to him.
On the program yesterday, there was a survivor of a Golden Gate Bridge jumpoff and he said that the thought that crossed his mind when he jumped, was, "No, I do not want to die." Then he talked about how thankful he was to be alive. He said he no longer ponders suicide. I wonder what people think about on the fall down?

Early Risers

Today I awoke early, working around the house, with my thoughts, prayers, and dreams, appreciating the mounting storm. It felt so good to get so much accomplished in only a couple of hours. I felt so much better today nice, all of those words that only mean your soul feels good. I made breakfast for my sweetie pie, Zaid, he complained a lot, but I did not loose it today. I kept things in perspective. I realize I am the adult here, he does not know what he can do when he calls my name, while I am in the bathroom, 500 times? Does he? I remember being a child, you do not think much about Mommy and what she is doing right now, only thinking that she was mine and that she would come when I called. We went for ice-cream at an ice-cream store, and I did not think about all the calories I was consuming, I only thought about how nice it was and that I had eaten healthy today so it was okay, I thought about how nice it is to go out with your child and just enjoy simple pleasures, the ice-cream was even FREE!! :) I have been keeping two customer punch coupons for a LONG time, and today we redeemed them. So many times, I thought about getting ice-cream but did not, today we indulged, we went to Kroger, we got Zaid something to drink, and we bought only what I could carry, butter, brown eggs, waffles (Zaid's idea) and grape juice. Our total was low. It was a wonderful day. Now, I am having quiet time for myself, sitting in the massage chair in the sound-proof sun room with a small heater on. I have to have this time, I need to have this time, it is essential for my soul, so why is it so hard to take? Why do I assume I am superwoman and can NEVER stop going? I feel cleansed now, Zaid had a four year old melt down in the post office, yes Zaid I do not like sitting in the post office for thirty minutes either, but sometimes you have to, yes it is not fair, but hitting Mommy is not the way to express your frustrations. So now, I am forgetting the bad and choosing to remember the good, Zaid lost getting his fish for his fish tank for three days. He is incredibly sad. Discipline is hard for parents.

Time for me to find a dinner recipe and get to work.
This was nice to think, to type, to remember the good about my day.

Lake Michigan

Today we are going to Lake Michigan to look at the dunes and the beach. I did not realize that Lake Michigan was so big. I probably should have paid more attention in geography class.
I am excited to go and listen to the waves. I love water and would one day like to live on the beach. I plan on taking Christmas pictures on the Lake. I hope that they turn out well.

In Everything~

Blessings~ This morning I am thankful for the soft snoring of my baby in our hotel room, the sound of my husband chattering away about work while flipping the channels on the tv, the small sliver of light coming in through the thick drapes, the sound of voices on the outside, my wet hair that smells and feels clean, my eyesite, the ability to think and reason, good health, love, life, joy, patience, our loving God who gives us our daily bread. Who supplies us with strength and wisdom to get through our day. I am thankful for life today. I am thankful for people. I am thankful for the good in all people.

Paint Swingsets Baking

Today we played outside on the swingset, I watched Cameron and Zaid do their "tricks" on the swing, then I listed some items on ebay while they played in the tent and on the swingset. When I went to talk to the neighbor, they both wanted me to pick them up at the same time, I did for a moment, but they got too big and I had to put them down. I wonder why they run over whenever I am talking to someone? I guess they want to be seen also. We painted wrapping paper for some gifts for Ms. Jane, their Sunday School teacher and a little boy. It is their birthday, then they made cards, I have to let Zaid make the birthday person's card first before I give him a card for himself or he will not color the recipent's card. I did not learn that until recently. He loves cards, he loves to color them and paint cards, he adores cards. Turquoise, Zaid loves the color turquoise, he learned in art class that turquoise is a turcichary color. He LOVED art class and continues to ask me when he can go back, he went for four weeks on Tuesdays. The first class Tamer said he cried but the other three classes he did not even look back, he said the art teacher's husband shared his fries with him. :) The way to a baby toot's heart through the tummy. Too bad art class was only during the summer, I hope she does something over Christmas break.
We also made an apple cake for Ms. Jane and Nathan, we hope they like it, the boys picked out to cook that, they helped a little before their bedtime baths. Zaid loves apples, Cameron also. We are going to the apple orchard soon to get some apples because at preschool, they are doing a unit on apples.

We went upstairs and painted wrapping paper and cards for birthday people. Zaid painted a scuba diver, a moon with clouds and water. Cameron painted a boat. They both stamped the cards with a stamper and put construction stickers on the birthday cards. Painting is a favorite activity.

Yesterday we kept Jacob for Carrie because he had an ear infection, he is a good baby. So sweet. I woke Zaid up and he was so happy, he tapped Jacob on the shoulder and asked him if he liked his Yoda shirt. Then he measured to see if the Yoda shirt would fit him. They played with the drum sticks with Jacob and he crawled around and they shared their toys with him. Jacob is 10 months old now.

Prayers

Zaid prays for the people in Mississippi and Louisiana, he prays that God will put all the water in a cage and never let the water out. Sweet prayers from my four year old. I never imagined loving someone as much as I love him. He has so much empathy, compassion, love for others.

Yesterday we went to the park and fed the ducks and ate lunch, we found a white squirrel and Zaid found a ladybug on the trash can. He thought it was so cool. It took him 20 minutes to feed the ducks two pieces of bread. I fed them a lot more. He did not want to leave, but it was time to preschool. I stayed for ten minutes and watched him at preschool. I do not want to leave him anymore, I want him right here beside me. All the time. I feel like Mother Duck with my baby. I wish I never had to send him into the world all alone. But eventually all ducks want to swim on their own. After school, I got Zaid an ice-cream cone, he asked if Cameron could get one too, I explained that it would melt by the time we got back, he said okay. We played at the park for awhile, it was hot, I pushed him on the swings and played with him in the pirate ship. He went down the "cool slide", we had the park to ourselves for awhile.

Today, we went to storytime, we were the only ones there until it was painting time, then a little girl came in to paint with us. She read about colors and rainbows and we watched a movie "How the Leopard Got His Spots", it was fun. Zaid counted and told Ms. Gail what color all of the colors in the rainbow book were, then Cameron wanted to also. We sponge painted, Zaid drew a boat, then he said it was a puppet show. It is really pretty.

When we got home from preschool, Cameron was asleep, so I pushed Zaid on the swings and played with him outside, when I first saw him swinging my heart felt so sad at how big he was and how much I loved him and needed some one on one time with my little bear. I watched him on the swing set, then we went into the tent and I read him about Thomas and the Breakfast Trip and a book about Jam and Jelly. He adores the Breakfast Thomas book. We read for a long time. Then we cooked dinner, hot dogs, corn and macaroni and cheese. Popscicles for dessert. Zaid ADORES popscicles.

Tomorrow Zaid wants to take his Mickey Mouse backpack to Show and Tell, he is going to tell the class how we are going to Disney World. We are all incrediby excited.

Always forever to the end

Love is kind, love is patient, love is not rude. Zaid is picking up on this. He makes me smile every day to see him, to see live through a wee one's perspective, when someone at the park ignored him, he just kept on trying to talk to them, he even followed said people around, I was sad for him, but I knew that he had to figure it out for himself, that we will encounter many rude people in life, but that we can not be rude in return, because love is not rude. I am using "I" statements, I want you to pick that up, etc. It is working for him. Independence is want he craves now, so whenever he can have it, I let him go for it. He washes his own hands, dresses himself, sets the table, pours the juice, cleans up when he has an accident, ("Accidents happen" is what he says.)
The park is one of our favorite places now, in the spring, we can stay there for hours and we do many times. He played with some older girls (12-13ish) for over two hours on Sunday, they got a kick out of him and he told them all about Jacob, Jacob Jr. and Jaxom.

Playtime

Zaid and I are playing more every day now, we made each other birthday cakes out of play-dough today. He does soak up everything I say and do. I hope he picks up a lot of good and only a little bad. On Tuesday, we played all day together until bedtime, with his blocks, with the play-dough, we made cookies for one of his sick friends, then we drove them to his friend's house, they played in his room for a little while, the child is not contagious. I talked with the Mom for a little while, baby Jacob went with us and slept the entire time. I took Zaid to story time today and they read to him "The Ten Rubber Duckies" by Eric Carle, it is the cutest book. Then they made spring time flowers out of cupcake wrappers and marshmallows. Zaid can write his name and draw faces!!!! I am amazed. I know that is not exactly impressive to some people but to me it is. My baby can draw a baby face now and almost write his name. In such a short time.

We also had a sad day today, a friend had given us a dog yesterday then her boyfriend decided he wanted it back, I tried to explain to her, that it is hard on a four year old to have to give something back, that they think is theirs. She tried to turn it around on me and she made me realize that friends do not do that to other friends. We were sad for a little while. Zaid was sleeping when I took Buddy back. I hope he is okay when he wakes up tomorrow.

At the Park

February 24~2005 I pick Zaid up from preschool and we go to the park. We feed the geese mostly, the ducks were a little intimidated by the geese. It is a cold, windy day and these webbed creatures are not getting a lot of human visitors today, in turn they are hungy. I am always a little scared of the geese, and how foward they are, I try not to spill this out unto my offspring, I pretend to be lighthearted about it all. They are only geese after all. Zaid is talking to them, and giving them tiny little pinches of the bread, I throw the bread ahead of us trying to get the geese to back off a little, it does not work, and Zaid gets bitten by a big, white one. He cries. I want to cry, but I have to tell him that they are only hungry, the goose did not mean to bite you sweetie. A park ranger comes over and trys to lighten up the situation, tells Zaid that the white geese sometimes forget their manners. I continue to feed them and tell Zaid that it is okay, he points out the culprit to the ranger, and begins to tell him how this one needs a time-out. If only it were that simple. If only life were that I simple I think. But maybe it is. Maybe life is so simple that we overcomplicate it. Back to my prior thoughts, the older ranger shows Zaid a seagull, and tells him it is the first signs of spring and we should feed him, it is too bad we are out of bread. I tell the ranger everything is fine, the younger ranger is smiling at Zaid. Does he understand? And we go off to watch the seagull, I pick up my 35 pound sweetheart and we watch the gull until he flys away. A trip to the play area should help the still wet eyes, I think. And we wander over there. It is cold. Zaid has an idea, we should go on top the slide, there is a little canopy there, that will be our house he says. We climb and climb and climb, finally we arrive at our home. A bit small but cozy and we love it. I never want to leave, neither does he. We both feel so connected to each other. I want it to be this way all the time, but now I realize that if it were, it would be much harder to appreciate. We talked about the lake, the trees, and why there were no leaves on them and how in the spring, green leaves would come, we talked about the grass and it was brown because it was winter, we talked and we also sat and thought, just me and Zaid. I put my arm around him as if to shelter him a little more from the cold. Sitting is nice, neither one of us talking for awhile, I wait for him to break the silence it does not happen, I am the one that can not stand the cold anymore. It breaks my heart to leave. I want to stay in our little house forever, the one that we had the pretend picnic in, the one he wants to have a real picnic in, but I tell him, we would have to come when no one was here again and that may be hard to do. I will try. I love this moment. A magical place in time. It can never be re-created. And I would never try too. I want more of these moments though. I become a seeker. Eventually we slide down, and play "school", Zaid is the teacher, I am the student, and I play these little games with him to get him the car. Leaving this place is hard, but at least I have this memory and Zaid who is the most magical moment of all.

4 Years Ago

Four years ago, I became a Mommy, I put someone's needs above my own, I love him unconditionally, I cry when he is sad, I am happy when he is happy. I adore him. He is amazing. And today he was four years old. I love the way he is not embarrassed by things like being in the nude, he had gotten out of the shower, and he asked where his friends were? He did not care that he was completely naked. I love how we played play-dough today on his birthday, we made a cake and cupcakes and a big brown blob, that he called a baby. I loved how he blew his candle out on his giraffe cake, and he did not care that Mommy forgot the candles, so we had a tealight on it. I love this little guy. I loved how he played with the parachute, painted a goldfish t-shirt and dressed up as Sully. I loved his birthday, I loved how he loved his birthday, I love every day with him. I must always remember to cherish all of our days together. He loved playing with his friends, but he also liked just hanging out with family for a little while. I never want to forget how happy he is now. I always want to remember these days.

black and white

I wore brown for the first time yesterday, brown and beige, no BLACK. :) I can not remember the last time I wore a complete ensemble without any black.

Another thought is creating my own photography studio, I would like to do that soon.
~jen

So, I never forget, I was proposed to 2 weeks ago. On January 27, 2005 my tiny one asked if I would marry him when he "got big". Now that is true love.

It appears as if fear is a huge reality in our world. Fear keeps us from accomplishing many feats. I have this need to do do something, anything entirely constructive, something to make life make more sense, but life makes sense now, I continue to tell my self. Dreams are hard to chase.